When people leave your life, it does not mean they are lost, only moved to a quieter room in your mind. It doesnt mean the way you cared for them will change, only whisper in your ear instead of shout. Do not think you will not stop throughout your days, weeks, months..and remember, smile, cry. You will. Its how humans work.

Do not think that you wont hurt, for a long time..for you will, and no comforting words or warm embrace will stitch up the tear that is left. You can only adjust the angle that you look at things. They are not gone, only moved. Kept safe in a different place. People will lie, well meaning lies, about how it will be ok, and not to cry. They will share what comfort they have to give, though it will bring you no solace and for such a long while it will all seem like empty words and ashes.

Nothing soothes the rawness of emotion except acceptance, and that may be one of lifes most difficult trails. Everyone deals with it differently, and nothing I can say will ease anyone elses pain. There is much in life I do not know, but I have a fair bit of experience with loss, as do most. Its the one constant for us all. Do not think it wont sneak up on you for the rest of your life. To grant you with tears when you least expect it.

All I can say is....eventually, eventually, for the most part....it will be bearable.

Seems like everytime I wake, I have lost and gained. I guess its a balance of sorts. I miss talking to people, seems I havent spoken to Gareth properly in months, and he deserves better than half rushed notes in passing. Soon enough, when I have time to sit and stay, I will grant my time to him, if he will me. I miss just laughing with him, it has been too long since I have laughed freely.

It makes me wonder if they miss me half as much as I miss them..Shawna, Trip, Gareth, Merry, Sorryn, Bryg, Kracky, Shirila, Seragil, Gar, Emma god so many, too many. I dont deserve such people in my life, they are so perfect, such good people. Thank you, each and every one of you that has graced my life.

GAH, anyway, so he is sleeping for time to come I believe. Off on a forray to the gods only know where. I am not sure we talked about it, but somehow I guess it was just resolved. He is good like that, cheeky. I might have to completely redecorate his room in a vile shade of puce, with lace trim to every surface and the sweet smell of lavender thick and cloying in the air. That should repay him for swanning off to play.

Oh and Sorynn.....IFLYM and always will.

Meh..I've defined it before so you know what it means..and it sums it all up completely..Meh!
There are times I don't know my backside from my elbow and am wondering which was is up. Really, sometimes I should just be gagged until sense comes back to mind. I tend to blow up, in a flurry of emotion and then fizzle slowly back to clam with a rather red face from having made an utter fool of myself...ahh well, such is life.

He came, he told me to shut up, abated my fears and took time to set me straight. I was going to leave him, us, this..fool as I am, but I was. Gah, ah well, sometimes you cannot account for your own stupidity in a situation.

An observation I have made, perhaps my nature has become more jaded as I have sat back and watched but who knows, not I. I used to think I was a fairly good judge of character, and for the most part ..I still am, but there are times when I just get it so monumentally wrong. I think that is why I feel so used. People I thought were genuinely good, who I loved, and who I thought loved me in return. People who I would have given everything for, gladly and not blinked an eye..suddenly, you find out they just arent who you thought they were. And then slowly, all the walls you had built around them to reinforce what you thought they were, start to crumble. With the loss of each brick you see a new crack..a new twist on things. See how one thing you thought innocent might have indeed been another way to take you for granted. And thats how I feel, taken for granted.

You must be sick of me whining about this by no eh? Perhap I should have just opened my mouth and saidall I needed to in the beginning, and then it would not have simmered beneath the surface, corrupting me with its tightening anger. I have to let it go. But for some reason it jus tslaps me in the face every time I wake. I guess Im more angry at myself..I didnt see all the signs for what they were and sought the good where really, I just found my self a stepping stone for someone elses elevation. Normally I would not care..but in the process, I got all the blame.

I will never recover from that, never forget it.

Life often throws the largest of boulders into your path just as you thing the way is clear. Hvae you ever run straight into a boulder? Its really not the most fun thing to do of an eve, thats for sure. I sat him down in the rogues cellar, invited him to a game of odds and luck while we talked, hoping one to distract my swilring thoughts and two, to buy a little time to talk. He knew what I had to say, it is not the first time I have expressed the centiment to him. I will not be the one in the way for any man. Not even for love.

He names me many things, stubborn, foolish, prideful even, and yes, I suppose I am those. But I cannot allow myself to stand by and be the thorn in a side or the case of another persons pain. Not again. And I cannot stand idly by while I ait for the rug to suddenly be pulled from beneath my feet while I wallow in so called safety. Nay, while things are as they are, I am on a razors edge, about to lose everything in a word. I won't, I can't. It's his move, not mine. I am who I am, and that is who he says he loves. So he either takes me as I am, or not at all.

I love him, but I will not be someones misery...never.

I have picked up this book, flicked to the blank pages and sat with it placed upon my lap a countless number of times, and yet the crisp page remained untouched by many words that swirled within my mind. I have always maintained that, what words we wield hold power, and as such we are responsible for their actions. Sometimes, its the reason I keep so much just for me, sometimes, it is the reason I can talk to well past the twilght marcs and still not need pause to reflect.

There are times when words can fix things, when they can be balm or proof, truth and honesty. Is it dishonest then, to not speak, when to do so would only drag something further into te mire of misery? Nay, I would have people believe as they will, rather than speak my mind to condemn another. I know what I do, what I do not. I am accountable to myself, I live with my guilt, mistakes, triumphs and tragedies. I know to what I hold myself responsible and what I do not.

Still, I thought that some words would calm the fire that etched into the thrum of my heart. Alas, were it ever that simple, then life would not be the treacherous path it is, no? I guess I wanted to soothe the ache that was left of my trust, and what little remained of my pride.

When you most need words to hold power, when you most need them to ring with truth...why is it they never manage to live up to expectations??

Im so very afriad now, of the ...what is the word...gap? Yes, the gap that has formed. A place where, I do not know what I have lost from there, but neither do I know what I can fill it with...and I am scared that it will forever be there, forever marking the..thing? the something... that I have lost, never to be whole. Ahh that is it. I fear I will never again be whole, It seems that we are able to lose a piece of what makes us, so completely..as to never regain it again.

What happened to being the silent benifactor? The pastime seems to have been lost to the wind as with all things to come from nought but a good deed. After all this time, I still feel ..used and tarnished. Will it never dissapate? I have come to the conclusion that it may well not. I know my faults, my wrongs, my mistakes..I know I deserve at least a measure of the hurt..but never did I expect to feel so..well just betrayed.

Enough of that. I need to start thinking of other things. Someone asked me to perform their bonding, an honour in itself and yet we have not all found time when we are awake and together to do so. I hope they arent too upset with me, I will try to make the time to be here for them if they have not already bonded for want of waiting. It has been too long that I have neglected Valorn, and all those that call me friend. I miss them, I am blessed to have them and I should cherish what time I get, not fritter it away idly on the past and its demons.

I just wish I could make my wounded pride and emotions forget. I do not know why I obsess over it so.